Tough Times Don't Last

Baby at 9 weeks

What a Journey!

2018 has been a life changing experience and as this year comes to an end, I have taken a few weeks to reflect on what has transpired.

There were 365 days of improving myself and coming to terms that I am not who I thought I was. Let that sink in. I endured a plethora of obstacles, fears and hurdles I thought I'd never break. Experiencing constant hurdles, I eventually gained control over my emotions, relied solely on God and overall became a finer version of myself. Though tough times, I ultimately, persevered with God's grace and mercy. I have overcome and I hope by sharing my experiences, you too will do the same.

In March I shared that I departed from my job as a Mortgage Banker and to say the least it was all downhill from there. At the time of working, I thought the title of being a Wayne State Graduate and a Mortgage Banker was well, big sh*t. I just knew nobody could tell me anything. I had the financial freedom and mentality that I was on top of the world-nobody else. I left everything I knew behind and even placed God on the sidelines not knowing how fast tables could turn. I felt unstoppable and then my world did a 360 in a matter of 9 months.

Early April through July it was all about me. I had to heal from working 70/80 hours a week, gaining a ton of weight, and getting back close to family. I needed to focus on a healthy me, but it was not as easy as I would have hoped. During this healing stage, I had all the time in the world to reflect on my past and what I did not like about my life and myself that I began to feel anxiety and depression (still healing). I can sit here and say I am not fond of my past because I feel like it did not prepare me for the real world, better yet, I did not prepare myself for the "real" world. College life was its own "bubble" and once that bubble popped, so did my ego, sanity, and my peace. Part of the reason that after Quicken I chose not to work at all, instead I lived off my savings and had no worries for the future. I thought I was retired at 23. I binged on taking last-minute trips, eating out all the time, buying myself whatever I desired and boy was I wrong by doing this. Time was flying and bills kept coming, My money was running low and on July 31st, two dark vivid blue lines appeared, I was pregnant. WOAH! I felt more pain than joy, something I would later regret.

Everyone around me talks down on having children, people just want to live their "best life" and fit into what society thinks is a "good age" to have children. Looking at the scope of things, I didn't have a job, my mental/emotional health was not in the right state, money was becoming scarce and now I was going to bring a baby into this world?! I did what I thought most people in my shoes would do. I debated an abortion for 2 weeks and I had to answer some hard questions on what to do with my body. I spoke to some women who went through with it, researched, prayed and asked God what life he chose for me and I still didn't know what to do. I then told myself that I would not have an abortion if I can hear the baby's heartbeat so I decided to go to an early pregnancy clinic at 5 weeks. It was then, laying on a hard table with a cold uncomfortable object inside of me...when there it was...a heart beat. From that moment, I made my obvious choice to be a mother at 23 and told myself I can do this! As I became excited, I was reminded of all the battles I had already been facing. 

Three weeks later, I began to contemplate my financial situation and every day living expenses. Crying and ashamed, I thought to myself, "where the heck did all my money go?" I realized it wouldn't be as easy as I thought to get where I wanted to be. So I critiqued all of my living expenses, I applied for a bridge card and through the grace of God I was approved. Things were okay for a while but when September came, the food stamps stopped. I waited a long 2 months as I had to get re-approved. During those two months I relied on noodles, sandwiches and soups- the basics. I was in grind-mode, determined to get back stable and back living the lifestyle I grew accustomed to. You wouldn't believe my budget, at my best times I would go buy a $5 pizza to last me two days and it was a celebration if I had just enough change for a Tahitian Treat. Oddly, these were some of my best days and I told myself, there's beauty in the struggle. It was tough. Around this time, I began to go to church faithfully, pray more, devote myself to the Lord and overall it was my safety net from my self-proclaimed depression and anxiety. However, outside of church still existed with my depression, anxiety, and my financial situation. All these factors were distracting me from my child so I was looking forward to my regular check up on October 5th.

As I waited in the lobby, excited to see how big my mini me was, I heard "Ms. Dorty please come back," as I went to a room and waited. As normal, my doctor arrived and she routinely placed cold jelly on my stomach so we can all hear the baby. Distracted in conversation, I heard my doctor say, "I will be right back", and I thought nothing of it. She then came back with a bigger machine and that's when I began to worry because this was not in our routine. She then places cold jelly on my stomach a second time and states those words, "I do not hear anything"...my heart...DROPPED. She told me to calm down and maybe it is just an issue on their end. I was then transferred to another area of the hospital that has more advanced technology and she assured me to have no worries. In a trans of a routine I was familiar with there I was again- cold table, cold jelly...time stood still as I saw my baby's full body (arms and legs were even visible by this time) on a big screen, not moving. I screamed, yelled, cried, told them to take my baby off the screen! They gave me no time to register my thoughts. Immediately after informing me that I miscarried at 12 weeks, 6 days they gave me two options: wait for the baby to miscarry itself or have surgery. I ultimately decided to have the surgery.

The surgery was scheduled for October 9th. It was heartbreaking as I called my mother to come comfort me. It was devastating enough that I miscarried and let alone had to wait 4 days for surgery with my lifeless baby inside of me. I felt like God let me down, my body let me down and I let myself down. The night before my surgery I had to take medication to dilate me. I cried and cried as I experienced labor with no reward. Wondering why God created women to be so strong? I went through a full night of pain and with each contraction it was a reminder of my reality. The next day, surgery came and went as I only remember dosing off and waking up in a puddle of blood on the hospital bed to a nurse saying "you're all set to go." Is it that fast? To just have someone endure this pain and just go home? As If I did not just lose a whole child? Comforted with hard dry graham crackers and an apple juice, I knew I would never be the same.

After surgery all the guilt fell on me because at one point I contemplated having an abortion. After hearing my baby's heart beat for the first time I took on that role of a mother. I was ready for what I thought God wanted for me. I already had a name for my baby whether girl or boy, pregnancy apps, the whole nine just for it to seem as though God was punishing me as he took my child away. I prayed that one day I will be healed because Lord knows I would go back and love my child from the first day I found out I was pregnant. I wish I didn't spend so much time debating how my life would change being a mom and what others would think and just simply had loved my baby. I prayed to God in hopes that he does give me a chance to be a mother because I want to give life onto this earth now more than ever and at the right time. Unfortunately, there were other hurdles I had to carry in the midst of what I thought was my breaking point.

While I coped after the surgery, an incident occurred at my apartment which ultimately led to an eviction notice and I began to accept that this is my life, full of drowning and it seemed as though God himself was not saving me.  I had never been to court and being so stressed, defeated and broken I had no choice but to take God off the sidelines and put him on the throne of my heart. I constantly asked..."what are you teaching me?" I was on my hands and knees for weeks waiting on God as he ultimately showed up and showed out in the courtroom as my case was dismissed. I  knew then he would get me through any of my financial woes and any heartbreak. I learned the true understanding of Faith!

I thank God for not just getting me over 2018 but getting me through. I went through losing my career, mental/emotional strain, gaining an angel, and facing financial adversities but with God, I am still here. Not only am I here, but I am alive, thriving, and fighting for myself. I could have truly lost my mind, lost my morals, lost Jasaria....but instead I am finding her. I am finding that Jasaria is strong, independent and loyal to God. I am glad I am still able to smile through all the rain because I smile knowing I have gained an Angel.

HGD/KDD

October 5 2018